I remember staying up late so often when I was pregnant, sometimes from baby kicks, but often just because I have always been a night owl. I stayed up praying by candlelight for an hour each night. Praying for the safe development of my baby.
When he was born, because he was in the NICU for two weeks, I was able to sleep for a few extra nights. But those first few weeks after he came home were brutal. It was like I was learning how to do everything for the first time again. Turn the night light on, nurse, get him back to sleep after the fit of feeding (he was a very hard newborn because of feeding issues).
I eventually became the sole parent at night because it just made more sense, and I started getting serious about trying to get into a routine. For the first two months, we were just surviving. Sleeping when we could, random times during the day and night, without a bed time. But I started a routine. Finally I was able to get him to sleep in blocks of sleep long enough for myself to get in a full sleep cycle.
Then the 4 month sleep regression hit right before he turned 4 months old. This was truly the worst because everything unraveled. Schedules became a joke, he wouldn’t sleep in the bassinet anymore. I remember thinking I was going crazy because he wouldn’t sleep longer than 45 minutes at a time. I remember singing to him in the middle of the night, delirious with tears. My husband helped, but I still couldn’t get him to sleep well. I remember losing my temper and having to leave the room sobbing for my husband to take him because I couldn’t do it anymore.
The sleep regression passed after three difficult weeks, and by the end we were exclusively cosleeping. Things did get better. He sleeps for longer blocks of time again, and I have learned to go with the flow of random sleep, so much so that when my mother came to watch him for a night, I still woke up on my own a few times.
He still wakes a few times a night, and while I know challenges lie ahead, I have been learning a lot about the ascetic life of motherhood. This season is short. He will only need me in this way for a short time in our life. This sacrifice is a drop in an ocean of our lives. Christ suffered on the cross, and as mothers, this is one way we can choose to deny ourselves and serve the Lord.
So as the darkness of the night looms over us as I am startled awake, hearing a familiar cry from the one who relies completely on me, I will turn on the nightlight and pick up my sweet baby, and know this closeness is what he needs right now. God has entrusted me with this child, and I will love him by being there to comfort him, even at 2:30 am. Because this won’t last forever, even if right now in my groggy state it feels like an eternity. For now I have learned to cherish it.