Saved Notes from My Past

Thoughts during infertility and pregnancy

I wanted to publish some of my raw thoughts and feels that I experienced during infertility and pregnancy after infertility. One entry in July 2020 just before our first of two IVF cycles, and three entries after we got pregnant in November 2020. The last one is one week before he was unexpectedly born.

7/21/2020

After many months of waiting, much anxiety about COVID delaying our procedures, 34 self injections, and bruised arms from daily blood draws, the time has finally come. My husband’s microTESE surgery will be early tomorrow morning and my egg retrieval surgery will be right after it. Our first attempt at trying to conceive. We will do everything we can to make it happen, but ultimately God will decide if this is our time and if our child is ready to be conceived.  My mother is here to take care of us both after surgery, so today we sat down together to pray. Last time my husband had surgery, I prayed and cried that there would be success. This time I have peace from the Lord that His timing is the best and I am praying that His plan will be in place, no matter tomorrow’s outcome. I am praying that my heart (nous) will be at peace knowing that God has our future child ready for us someday. One of the first commandments was to be fruitful and multiply. I want to line up my dreams and hopes with God’s will.

4/17/2021

What does infertility look like?

Crying yourself to sleep because you aren’t sure you’ll ever be a parent

Trying to be excited for your friends who are pregnant without being sad for yourself

Taking long walks staring up at the sky and feeling empty

Turning down friends or activities because you have to save money for treatments

Praying and trying to understand God’s plan for you even though it’s beyond human comprehension

Having a bruised body from injections or having multiple surgeries in one year

Preparing yourself for disappointment at every step

Feeling inadequate, not being able to do something as basic as reproduce without medical intervention

Waiting for everything while the world doesn’t stop to wait for you

What does pregnancy after infertility/loss look like?

Being excited for morning sickness

Checking the toilet paper for blood after every trip to the bathroom

Having anxiety so high that you’re paralyzed and don’t want to get out of bed

Being scared to do normal things like traveling because you’re not sure how it’ll impact the pregnancy

Expecting every appointment to go wrong

Crying during every nightly prayer

Laying on the floor at 11 pm begging God to make your baby move because you haven’t felt movement in a few hours

Being robbed of the joys and bliss of pregnancy

Banning yourself from google because you’re becoming a hypochondriac

Learning the true meaning of faith in God

5/26/2021

Things are getting easier every day and I’m able to believe more and more that we will meet and raise our son and he will grow up and outlive us. But there’s still that lingering fear, guilt, shame and anxiety stemming from needing to let go of the past experiences of infertility that makes me feel like I’m drowning sometimes.

Part of me is scared to move out of this city. This is where my fertility clinic is and I’m so scared something will happen to my baby and I’ll have to start all over again but I’ll be so far away. But even thinking something like  that is heartbreaking and honestly it hurts to think about it.

I’ve made such a deep connection and bond with this tiny human growing inside of me, I love him more than I love myself. I feel joy everytime I feel his feet pushing up on my tummy and can’t wait to meet him. But at the same time I’m terrified of something happening to him. I don’t know if I could live without him.

I’m praying and trusting that God’s plan is good for me and my family and this move will bless us.

I’m praying that I can let go of the fear and move forward.

6/26/2021

I had a stressful week. My mother is still in the hospital. We moved and were without air conditioning in 100+ degrees weather for over a week. I developed sciatica and lower back pain to the point where I can barely walk. Just two days ago I sat in our super hot bed in the late afternoon crying about how everything was going wrong.

Today I went back through my stories to answer a question about IVF. Everything came flooding back to me about how much of a struggle we had to get to this point and I realized God was giving me a gentle reminder of how much He has given me.

It was a profound moment when I realized I am living in my answered prayer right now!

I feel overflowing with gratitude.

I have come so far. I have SO MUCH to be grateful for. Even if my plans aren’t lining up with what I had pictured, I have a healthy 5 lb 6 oz baby boy growing inside my womb.

So when I feel the sciatica pain, when I can’t fall asleep because baby boy is having a party, when I look in the mirror and see the red flaming stretch marks forming on my body, when I see my feet swelling....I will take those moments and remember that I dreamed of this moment in my life. I cried, prayed and pleaded with God for this moment right here! And I am so grateful for these reminders that I am so close to meeting my little boy. A beautiful soul. An eternity of love.